Imagination is the Fucking Enemy.

Shit.

Shitshitshit.

I had something else to say that prompted this, but I forgot because I had to google quotes about crippling self doubt and of course my brain couldn’t retain my original thought through 42 seconds of distraction. Bitch.

But my imagination is the best. In the worst way. It’s so fucking vivid, like a real life movie running in my cerebrum. I play out scenes for my future. Scenes I hope for, scenes I lust for.

These scenes never actually fucking happen.

I’m jinxing myself, I really am. I almost sure of it. Of course, would those fantastic things even happen if I didn’t imagine them into an early theoretical grave? MAYBE.

When I don’t have expectation and when I don’t replay these magical scenarios in my head over and over and fucking over, life has a Chance to make me happy.

I’ve written about this before, but it plagues me.

So many of the happy little blips in my trail I leave behind have completely caught me off guard. The time I walked into freshman biology and thought to myself, “Self, go ahead and ask that kid you briefly glanced at during Line Camp to SemiFormal. Just Do It.®” I did it, and he said yes (!) and then I had the best time of my entire sorority experience that night. The time I posted Vanilla Twilight on Facebook and the only guy I have ever been genuine friends with first decided that I was a worthwhile individual. The FUCKING time I didn’t really want to go to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but then I put makeup and my dress on a man and then went and now I am kind of completely fucking INFATUATED with him. (Jury is still ordering fucking lunch on that one. This is why I am googling quotes about crippling self doubt btw)

All of these pivotal moments of my life in relation to other humans have just slapped me in the face like a cold fish. As I’ve stated before. And I know this is old hat and I’m rehashing when I hate rehashing, but IT IS JUST STILL SO Cod Damn FRUSTRATING.

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