But also Why It’s the Fucking Best.

Because, in my mind, that lovely, little controlled environment, I don’t have to be afraid. There are no other players. Just me. It’s a dictatorship, curly fry style. (i.e. delicious)

Sure, it’s not as fulfilling or whatever as actually having an independent someone love you or having your actual dream job and/or body and/or life. But when truly beautiful and great things happen in my real life, I just can’t process them. It’s overwhelming, and then almost immediately as I recover, something taints it. Something being my penchant for crippling self doubt and overthinking EVERYTHING.

And besides, who’s to say that any of that great stuff (the dream love/body/job/life) WILL happen in reality? God, but He doesn’t tell us the details a lot of the time. But that fantasy mind world? I have the fucking say in that place, and I can make it happen, easy as pie.

So I guess it boils down to the facts that I am a control freak and I don’t trust God.

Man, if I went to therapy, there’s my next two discussion topics.

On another note, I REALLY WANT TO HAVE PERFECT SEX SOON/BEFORE I DIE. Can’t imagine that one! Absolutely no personal reference for it.

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