Yesterday my sister and i fought over stupid stuff, then this cretin she has affections for came for dinner, so i left for practice a lot earlier than i needed to. prior to getting to practice, i cried vehemently but didn’t run off the road or anything. i know she hates for people to be mad at her, hence a big reason this guy has been able to toy with her emotions for the past two years. so when i got back i hugged her and we were basically back to normal. she still hasn’t washed that pillow of mine she threw up on.
Something that kind of ticks me off is during my crying jag, i was listening to down by jay sean and seventeen other people, which brought up other emotional issues i will not talk about here, and then i came to the realization that no one out there (family excluded) would really care that i was crying to a popular rap song the whole way down third street. which made me feel empty and small and insignificant. which is different than the good kind of feeling small. many times, i can feel small in the vast world, but when i realize how insignificant i should be and the fact that i am actually made very significant by the love of God makes me feel…significant. but this time it was a ‘no one likes me or loves me and im going to die alone because im not the best with social skills and whatnot’ kind of small. the desperate feeling has since passed, especially after a very nice conversation i had last night. but that feeling is still lurking around somewhere behind my pancreas, waiting to balloon up and swallow my insides again. i feel like i need to combat this, or else crying jags in Barb are gonna become more common, and no one likes a perpetual crier.
I suppose i should be forever comforted by God’s love. and i am on some level, but i still selfishly think He has more for me here and i want it. but maybe it (my ‘love life’… ha thats funny to see) is one of those things where when i don’t necessarily want it or am not pining away for it, it will pop up and slap me in the face like a big cold fish. thats been the case before. when im not really looking, someone comes out of the woodwork. so i should just focus on God. but now that i ‘know’ this is how it goes, i cant help feeling im gonna do this with the intention of getting fishslapped, which just brings me back to the wanting it too much square one. ughhhhhhhh dang it brain. ok. ill work it out.