Let’s get down to business…

…to defeat HUH HUH the Huns? no. to expressing my feelings. because Lord knows i can’t do it out loud in real life without crying.

ok, no intro needed.

Rush is over. Throughout the process, I felt very awkward. I can’t small talk. Small talk is… small. It’s insignificant. It’s dumb, really. I prefer to enter into a relationship like old friends, and swap deep dark secrets after staying up watching a movie marathon of the Back to the Futures. I do not enjoy asking you, and then 7 others after you ‘How was your break?’ when I really don’t give a flying fart in space what your Nana got you for Christmas. So, I am very happy to be done with it and get to move on to bonding and activities and experiences and life with all of the ladies that will be getting their bids from us in less than twelve hours (and I still need to make one of them a kite… /:).

But… this is basically what I thought last year going through this on the other side. Not the kite part. I thought “Once I’m in, everything’s gravy. We’ll all bond and be all BFFL and happily ever after. Yay.”

False.

Since approximately 365 days ago when I pledged, my life has changed quite a bit. For the better and for good. However, my sorority sisters were not the biggest part in that. It was a combination of growing up a little, learning many new things (many of which I would have preferred not to learn), experiencing more of life, delightfully and unknowingly registering for my weirdest class to date (HIS 1305 WASSUP?!?), connecting with a wonderful person, and just changing my entire state of mind a little bit (in several tiny increments). College does not seem as vast and intimidating, but it also no longer holds that kind of ‘mystique and wonderment’ quality that goes hand in hand with the intimidation factor. I am excited for my classes to come, for my experiences in them, my major, my sorority. But not like super stoked. On a scale from one to Oprah audience on excitement, I’d probably rank a Justin Bieber – excited on the inside, but keeping it cool on the outside for the ladies (:. God and me have progressed in our relationship, chronologically at least if in no other way. I feel a little more sure of my convictions and comfortable with discussing theological issues even if I don’t have an answer. I have grown, I have changed, I might have progressed. It’s been good.

One depressing thing, though. During pref day, a lot of girls speak and/or sing about, the slideshow is all about, and the whole friggin’ day is all about how ginormously vital Theta is to everyone in it. How the bonds here are eternal, that everyone is a family.People cry, for real.  And in these parties I feel like a spectator. One factor could be that I was not matched due to temporarily gimpy ankle. But mostly, it is because I have not known this deep, profound ‘Theta love’ that is so near and dear many of the other girls. I don’t know if I’m the only one that feels this way here, but I do feel alone in a crowded chapter room. For instance, in the parties, “For Good” from Wicked was sung, and each time, it left me either feeling very much empty, or thinking of people far far away from this chapter and any sorority for that matter. Of course, not drinking or going out or being in any kind of ‘hot bod’ shape to be a party girl with many of the members of my sorority is another thing that alienates me from them. I feel like my relationship with many of these girls will be limited to endearing acquaintanceship. In others, I see the potential  for that fabled ‘tight-knit’ group our parties conveyed to the PNMs. Who knows. I really wasn’t cut out for sorority life. I mean, being in one has probably kept from being one of those perpetually pale and jiggly GDIs, but I for sure am not the norm for this lifestyle.

Which makes my friends outside of this even more close to me. Friends from ‘before the pledge.’ Friends from ‘before the college.’ Even if some of these friendships wane, I know, or at least very very deeply hope, that one or more will last my lifetime and beyond. I love you, man. Slappin’ da bass! (:

[Update: It didn’t. Fuck her.]

So, in retrospect, maybe this should have been titled ‘Friendship’ or ‘Kinship… what makes family family?’ or something cheese-filled like that. But I like that Mulan song too much to replace it.

This probably reads like “Whaaa?” most of the time but I don’t care. If you are really actually concerned with something that you’re confused about here, just ask. NBD.

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